In the end it didn’t matter what I wanted. One Day came sooner than I had hoped, and then suddenly One Day was yesterday and you had walked out of my life almost as fast as when you walked into it, but this time I noticed you didn’t look back. I guess I shouldn’t of been so surprised, you were always so hesitant when talking about the future; but there is nothing a person can do to prepare themselves for the achingly empty hole you leave when you are no longer there to fill it. Its been about a year since you left, and by now I’m sure you’ve already left another hole somewhere in someone, but I hope for their sake it’s not nearly as big as the one you left in me, because even though you’ve been gone for so long every time I think of you it grows a little bigger and in a few weeks it will most likely consume me, but I still don’t blame you for this pain because how could someone who brought me such happiness bring me such sorrow, so i will continue to blame myself for you leaving. But really all I want, all I need, is for you to come back to me. For you to once again fill this hole with the joyful presence you can call your own. Please, please come back to me.
I will buy countless journals and colorful pens and 500 page novels instead of buying that skirt he said “makes my ass look nice.”
I will go out with my friends and buy them coffee and laugh at an awful romantic comedy with happy tears in my eyes instead of laying on my couch with a boy.
I will experiment with myself and cut my bangs and dye my hair my favorite color without having anyone nag me about how I look like their ex-girlfriend.
I will cry as much as I need to and hold my own hand because I will love myself more than anyone else ever will.
This year, I’ll find myself again.
Don’t get me wrong,
You could call me at 2:23 a.m.
Midway through a break down
And I’ll listen to every word
That manages to escape your mouth,
Slurred in your heaviest of tears,
But I want to know all about
Your 9:57 a.m. thoughts.
Or your 7:41 p.m. thoughts.
I wanna know what you’re thinking
When I’m miles away from you
And when I’m right next to you.
I wanna know what you feel
At 4:45 p.m. after our phone call
And what you feel when
I hold your hand at 8:11 p.m.
falling in love with you was the worst thing i ever did.
I can’t sleep.
I can’t eat.
And Pretending you’re here is the only thing keeping me sane.
Charles Bukowski once said
“find what you love and let it kill you”
You’re killing me, my sun and stars.